Addiction-proof your child

One of the podcasts I listen to regularly is by Jane Nelson, author of the Positive Discipline series of books. I’ve mentioned Positive Discipline for Preschoolers in a previous post in September, but I actually began listening to the author’s “Focusing on Solutions” podcast months before I began reading the book. Earlier this month in Episode #48 Dr. Nelson interviewed Stanton Peele, PhD, the author of Addiction Proof Your Child: A Realistic Approach to Preventing Drug, Alcohol, and Other Dependencies. This interview (listen to it here) is in part about the nature of addiction and in part about the responsibility that we have as parents.

I’m bringing up this topic because, according to Dr. Peele’s unconventional thinking, “addiction-proofing your child” is about more than warning him/her of the dangers of drugs, sex, alcohol, the Internet, etc. It’s about preparing children to handle life’s challenges and reducing the likelihood that they will turn to self-destructive behaviors in order to avoid dealing with their problems. And the process starts well before children have the opportunity to experiment with these addictive substances and/or activities.

Dr. Peele advises that rather than “announcing a completely improvident and impossible goal” of abstinence from risky activities, we need be realistic and intellectually honest when discussing these issues with our children. As one who tries to keep in mind the long-term goal of raising my daughter to become a secure, well-adjusted, self-confident woman, this makes a lot of sense. However as someone who is an admittedly over-protective parent, I find the idea of letting go of the “scare tactics” to which I was subjected to be, well, . . . scary. I imagine that I would like the feeling of control, the sense of “taking action,” that I’d get from lecturing my child against drugs. Then again, I am relieved to think that I may not have to resort to lectures.

I value wisdom that comes from first-hand experience. In fact it was my observation of others that caused me to steer clear of experimental drug-use. That’s right. I have never tried an illegal drug. Seriously. My only “walk on the wild side” came at the age of 28, when I coughed/choked/retched my way through a quarter of a cigarette as an experiment with a friend. It took three days for my lungs and throat to recover from the experience. So, you see, as far as first-hand experience goes . . . I lack credibility. That lack of credibility has worried me because I’ve assumed that first-hand experience and direct observation produce the best lessons. Anyway, I look forward to reading this book and learning how to approach these topics without resorting lectures or threats.

And if, after reading this rather long post, you have a few more moments, I encourage you to view what Dr. Nelson’s blog says about the interview. In it she talks about how Dr. Peele’s book relates to the principles of positive discipline and tells how we can use those principles to “help children learn to use their personal power in useful ways.”

Sorry this is so long!

Tara

Determining Your Child’s Learning Style

Today a friend of mine posed the following question to my playgroup:

Does anyone have a suggestion for a book, website, seminar
to help determine what your child’s learning style is?
Is 4 too early to determine how your child learns?

In looking at schools, it seems like it would be helpful to
know how my child learns best, but I frankly, don’t know
how to figure that out!Thanks,
C

I really like this question. And, here is my reply:

Apparently it’s not too early to determine your child’s learning style. If fact you seem to be right on time in wondering about this. I imagine the educators and child psychologist in our group will be able to give real insight into this, but here’s what I found on the internet . . .

Parent Center has a whole page dedicated to figuring out your child’s learning style. Fortnet.org offers a brief article on the topic. I also found a homeschooling site with a number of links. But if you want an actual book to read, Amazon has a lot of them. The most appropriate and highly rated ones appear to be Discover Your Child’s Learning Style: Children Learn in Unique Ways – Here’s the Key to Every Child’s Learning Success by Willis and Hodson and The Way They Learn by Cynthia U. Tobias.

By the way, C always seems to be very in touch with what developmental stage her child is currently in. At her recommendation I picked up a copy of Touchpoints: Birth to Three: Your Child’s Emotional and Behavioral Development (Touchpoints) by T. Berry Brazelton, which provided some insight into what was going on in the unpredictable mind of my then-two-year-old. So although this question hadn’t even occured to me, it’s got me thinking. And knowing the answer would seem to be very important in guiding my daughter’s learning experience. 

Tara

Preparing for the Fabulous (?) Fours

OK. I wasn’t prepared for the difficulties of parenting a three-year-old. I thought that after “the terrible twos” it would be easy sailing. But I was wrong. So, I have been thinking about getting Your Four-Year-Old: Wild and Wonderful by Louise Bates Ames (the same author as Your Three-Year-Old: Friend or Enemy which I very much recommend), but the reviews on this one are very mixed. So, I’d like to see it in person first. I’d love to hear other book suggestions.

I have just started reading Positive Discipline for Preschoolers: For Their Early Years–Raising Children Who are Responsible, Respectful, and Resourceful (Positive Discipline Library) by Jane Ed.D. Nelsen, which covers ages 3 – 6. I’m only on Chapter 6, but the ideas presented so far are working pretty well right now. The advice is compatible with Noel Janis-Norton’s Calmer, Easier, Happier Parenting advice and that of How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk, but is even *more* positive that those methods. You still “prepare for success” and use talk-throughs and descriptive praise, but NO punishments and NO rewards. Instead you invite the child to ”focus on solutions”, and give “positive time-outs” (in which the parent offers to accompany the child) when emotions are high. I haven’t yet wrapped my mind around the idea of going into time out with my little offender, and I still threaten her with punishment. But I’m involving her in problem solving more often, and that has de-escalated a few situations that could have gotten ugly pretty quickly.

Best of luck,
Tara

Article about Talent, Ability & Motivation

Nerd that I am, I am very excited about an article I just read titled “The Effort Effect” in the March/April 2007 issue of Stanford Magazine. The article is about how talent and motivation are shaped by whether one has a “fixed-” or “growth-mindset” regarding ability. I am sharing it with all of you, because it’s practical implications for personal growth are equally applicable to adults and children. I think this would be of interest to those of you with whom I’ve discussed how praise/discouragement may contribute to a one’s sense of success/failure. I also found the sidebar regarding the way praise can shape a child’s enjoyment of learning to be especially appropriate for those of us using descriptive praise with our kids. I’d like to order Mindset: The New Psychology of Success the book by the author/psychologist featured in the article. In any case, the article really shifted my perspective on achievement and success, and I hope you find it to be as useful as I do.

Ciao!
Tara

Friend or Foe? Good question.

I had heard from so many people that 3 would be much better than 2. So I was surprised when we started having issues. We seem to alternate between great days on which I enjoy every minute with this creative, thoughtful, and good-humored little person and horrid days in which *everything* is a battle – getting dressed, using the bathroom, getting into the car – and I can hardly wait to put my little adversary to bed for the night so that I can have a beer. After the first crazy week of highs and lows I mentioned our experience at my daughter’s school and got a recommendation for a developmental book about 3-year-olds.

The book is fittingly titled Your Three-Year-Old: Friend or Enemy by Louise Bates Ames and describes some of the issues we can expect to face during this year. Because it was written in 1980, some of the book’s advice is outdated. However, it’s been pretty good at describing some of the situations in which I’ve found myself. It seems that 3 is supposed to be rather easy, but 3 1/2 is a time of “disequilibrium” and is characterized by resistance to routine activities (particularly with the primary caregiver) and physical and emotional insecurity (especially anxiousness).

For whatever reason my little one seems determined to forego the normally calm and peaceful period between 3 and 3 1/2 and is rushing ahead to some of the more exasperating behaviors. In truth, I’ve been happy whenever she reached a milestone or acquired some new ability a bit “early”. However, this is one stage that I wish she would have skipped completely. Fortunately, the age of 4 is supposed to be much calmer . . . at least until 4 1/2.

Tara

1-2-3 Magic

I have been telling everyone who will listen about 1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12 (123 Magic) by Thomas W. Phelen. I was initially turned off by the hokey title, but I am soooo glad I gave it a try. It has specific, real examples that have been very effective in helping me regain control of myself and my very spirited little girl. It covers hitting and other behaviors that I consider to be “deal breakers” as well as everyday issues. I bought the book as well as the first DVD on managing difficult behavior (the book is split into two DVDs – I plan to buy the second DVD later). Check out the book description and reviews at Amazon.com. There are also some great reviews of the book at babycenter.com. So I’m not the only one who thinks it’s good!

Now, not to sound like a commercial, but I can’t give enough praise to this book! I know there is no method of discipline that will work for everyone, but this one is quite comprehensive. It takes you from simple toddler behavior issues all the way to more the serious, more complicated issues we’ll encounter during the teen years and addresses just about everything: whining, hitting, sibling rivalry, as well as motivating and rewarding your child for desirable behaviors like doing homework and chores.

It made at least 2 points that really caught my attention: 1) too much emotion and talking at the wrong time confuses the child and undermines your attempts at discipline, and 2) there are time out alternatives (he lists a few) that can be more effective than giving a time-out (up until recently I had a one-size-fits-all approach to discipline). I read the whole book before implementing its advice, because I wanted to make sure that I understood and agreed with the goals of and logic behind the method. But you can begin using the “1-2-3″ method after reading only a small part of the book – the author actually tells you which parts to read if you want to get started right away. Take a look at this document (especially page 4) for a very good summary of 1-2-3 Magic that will help you get a sense of what it’s all about.

The one thing that did bother me about the book was it’s discussion of “testing and manipulation.” I don’t like to think of my child as manipulative, and this word makes me uncomfortable when it’s applied to kids. However, in this context it is simply used to describe the types of behavior that children use to test/resist boundaries. The author states that they usually arise out of the child’s frustration with a limit being imposed upon them (not necessarily an attempt to control the parent), but I think he really should change the wording of this section of the book. FYI: whining, pouting, and fits of temper fall under the umbrella of “testing and manipulation.”

That said, as I read the book, I became impressed by it’s well-roundedness. It brought together methods and perspectives from several other parenting books I had already read. Not only is it compatible with the Dr. Sears/attachment parenting approach, but with these as well:

• Between Parent and Child: The Bestselling Classic That Revolutionized Parent-Child Communication by Haim G. Ginott. This is not a “how to” book as much as it is a perspective on how to create a parent-child relationship grounded in mutual respect. It was an eye-opening read that greatly shaped my own parenting philosophy.

• Parent Effectiveness Training: The Proven Program for Raising Responsible Children by Thomas Gordon. I recommend reading “Between Parent and Child” before this one. It made a lot of statements that I found hard to accept initially because it’s divided up in such a way that you’ve got to read it through completely in order to see that it is a comprehensive approach. This is definitely a “how-to” book, but one that I believe is more appropriate with older children.Even so I think it was worth reading now because it gave me an idea of how the things I’m learning now will be used in more later, once my child’s behavior becomes more complex. It also echoed many of the points made in the next book…

• The Happiest Toddler on the Block: The New Way to Stop the Daily Battle of Wills and Raise a Secure and Well-Behaved One- to Four-Year-Old by Dr. Harvey Karp. Although this is not the most intellectually stimulating parenting book ever, Dr. Karp’s unconventional methods are grounded in solid child development principles. Some of his ideas (the one about providing positive 1-on-1 time to motivate and encourage good behavior comes to mind) are echoed in “1-2-3 Magic.” Kami indeed seems much happier since we began having “special time.” It serves to reward her for being patient and makes me focus on her instead of the million other things that claim my attention. I also suspect that Dr. Karp adapted the image of parents as wild animal trainers in 1-2-3 Magic and tweaked it until we became ambassadors to cavemen. Similar, but different enough to avoid charges of plagiarism.

• The Pocket Parent by Gail Reichlin and Caroline Winkler. This is a quick reference for ways to solve common behavioral problems. It’s organized alphabetically by topic (Anger, Biting, Hitting, etc.). Many of the methods of gaining cooperation can be used as motivators or time-out alternatives as discussed in “1-2-3 Magic.” Even so, I have the feeling that many of these issues can be resolved more simply (without having to whip out a book and look up the issue during a struggle) once you have the “1-2-3 Magic” methods in place.

• Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles: Winning for a Lifetime by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. This is the book that really helped me end the power struggle between my daughter & me with regard to potty training. It helped me see what was really going on between us.

I’m glad I read each of these books because they each provide broader perspective or narrower focus (as appropriate) on child development and parenting issues. But I probably could have saved myself so much time had I found “1-2-3 Magic” sooner! Even so, it has actually encouraged me to do some reading in areas that I had neglected, such as how to create and maintain positive self-esteem in children. I hadn’t considered this area important because my child does not seem to be lacking in self-esteem at the moment. However, it seems that a child’s self-image changes as it matures, and it’s necessary to change your approach to match their stage of development.

Sorry this is so long, but you guys know how I am once I get started…

Later,
Tara