1-2-3 Magic

I have been telling everyone who will listen about 1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12 (123 Magic) by Thomas W. Phelen. I was initially turned off by the hokey title, but I am soooo glad I gave it a try. It has specific, real examples that have been very effective in helping me regain control of myself and my very spirited little girl. It covers hitting and other behaviors that I consider to be “deal breakers” as well as everyday issues. I bought the book as well as the first DVD on managing difficult behavior (the book is split into two DVDs – I plan to buy the second DVD later). Check out the book description and reviews at Amazon.com. There are also some great reviews of the book at babycenter.com. So I’m not the only one who thinks it’s good!

Now, not to sound like a commercial, but I can’t give enough praise to this book! I know there is no method of discipline that will work for everyone, but this one is quite comprehensive. It takes you from simple toddler behavior issues all the way to more the serious, more complicated issues we’ll encounter during the teen years and addresses just about everything: whining, hitting, sibling rivalry, as well as motivating and rewarding your child for desirable behaviors like doing homework and chores.

It made at least 2 points that really caught my attention: 1) too much emotion and talking at the wrong time confuses the child and undermines your attempts at discipline, and 2) there are time out alternatives (he lists a few) that can be more effective than giving a time-out (up until recently I had a one-size-fits-all approach to discipline). I read the whole book before implementing its advice, because I wanted to make sure that I understood and agreed with the goals of and logic behind the method. But you can begin using the “1-2-3″ method after reading only a small part of the book – the author actually tells you which parts to read if you want to get started right away. Take a look at this document (especially page 4) for a very good summary of 1-2-3 Magic that will help you get a sense of what it’s all about.

The one thing that did bother me about the book was it’s discussion of “testing and manipulation.” I don’t like to think of my child as manipulative, and this word makes me uncomfortable when it’s applied to kids. However, in this context it is simply used to describe the types of behavior that children use to test/resist boundaries. The author states that they usually arise out of the child’s frustration with a limit being imposed upon them (not necessarily an attempt to control the parent), but I think he really should change the wording of this section of the book. FYI: whining, pouting, and fits of temper fall under the umbrella of “testing and manipulation.”

That said, as I read the book, I became impressed by it’s well-roundedness. It brought together methods and perspectives from several other parenting books I had already read. Not only is it compatible with the Dr. Sears/attachment parenting approach, but with these as well:

• Between Parent and Child: The Bestselling Classic That Revolutionized Parent-Child Communication by Haim G. Ginott. This is not a “how to” book as much as it is a perspective on how to create a parent-child relationship grounded in mutual respect. It was an eye-opening read that greatly shaped my own parenting philosophy.

• Parent Effectiveness Training: The Proven Program for Raising Responsible Children by Thomas Gordon. I recommend reading “Between Parent and Child” before this one. It made a lot of statements that I found hard to accept initially because it’s divided up in such a way that you’ve got to read it through completely in order to see that it is a comprehensive approach. This is definitely a “how-to” book, but one that I believe is more appropriate with older children.Even so I think it was worth reading now because it gave me an idea of how the things I’m learning now will be used in more later, once my child’s behavior becomes more complex. It also echoed many of the points made in the next book…

• The Happiest Toddler on the Block: The New Way to Stop the Daily Battle of Wills and Raise a Secure and Well-Behaved One- to Four-Year-Old by Dr. Harvey Karp. Although this is not the most intellectually stimulating parenting book ever, Dr. Karp’s unconventional methods are grounded in solid child development principles. Some of his ideas (the one about providing positive 1-on-1 time to motivate and encourage good behavior comes to mind) are echoed in “1-2-3 Magic.” Kami indeed seems much happier since we began having “special time.” It serves to reward her for being patient and makes me focus on her instead of the million other things that claim my attention. I also suspect that Dr. Karp adapted the image of parents as wild animal trainers in 1-2-3 Magic and tweaked it until we became ambassadors to cavemen. Similar, but different enough to avoid charges of plagiarism.

• The Pocket Parent by Gail Reichlin and Caroline Winkler. This is a quick reference for ways to solve common behavioral problems. It’s organized alphabetically by topic (Anger, Biting, Hitting, etc.). Many of the methods of gaining cooperation can be used as motivators or time-out alternatives as discussed in “1-2-3 Magic.” Even so, I have the feeling that many of these issues can be resolved more simply (without having to whip out a book and look up the issue during a struggle) once you have the “1-2-3 Magic” methods in place.

• Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles: Winning for a Lifetime by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. This is the book that really helped me end the power struggle between my daughter & me with regard to potty training. It helped me see what was really going on between us.

I’m glad I read each of these books because they each provide broader perspective or narrower focus (as appropriate) on child development and parenting issues. But I probably could have saved myself so much time had I found “1-2-3 Magic” sooner! Even so, it has actually encouraged me to do some reading in areas that I had neglected, such as how to create and maintain positive self-esteem in children. I hadn’t considered this area important because my child does not seem to be lacking in self-esteem at the moment. However, it seems that a child’s self-image changes as it matures, and it’s necessary to change your approach to match their stage of development.

Sorry this is so long, but you guys know how I am once I get started…

Later,
Tara